Families are complex social groups, mostly due to their complex members. They are malleable, rigid, resilient, and fragile all at the same time. They are both linear and cyclical. In one sense, you can’t escape or be kicked out of your family. Your hereditary health problems are here to stay. But the requirements for membership can also vary. Many of my clients go out of their way to ensure that the fruits of their earthly labors do not benefit their children’s spouses or their spouse’s children. In other cases, we take steps to ensure that those classes of people are included. Whatever the definition, families both last forever and branch off to create new families at every generation.
The U.S. Census Bureau defines “family” as a group of two or more people that live together and are related by birth, adoption, or marriage. If you are married, you and your spouse are the founding partners of a new family. Your best interests are all of a sudden subordinate to what is best for the family. The stoic philosopher Gaius Musonius Rufus described the ideal marriage as one where both spouses compete to see who is more devoted to the other. Psychologist Jordan Peterson is more practical. His recipe for a new family: “take someone who’s just as useless and horrible as you are, and then you shackle yourself to them, and then you say, we’re not running away, no matter what happens.” In reality, a lot of people break free of the shackles and pledge their undying devotion to themselves. But Peterson explains this as an ideal: You both have problems, and you have to deal with the consequences. You can either figure it out together or suffer through the rest of your life. Most people choose to travel through life with someone they care about instead of traveling alone. Most marriages also produce new people.
Another definition of family is the descendants of a common ancestor. You and your spouse re-choose each other every day. But you share a connection with your children, whether you like it or not. The 50 to 100 trillion cells in your child’s body started as one single cell, which had two origins. The bond with adopted children is surely more complicated. But several studies have shown that parents of adopted children are more likely to spend time with them and are more involved in sports and academics. Whether your children share your DNA or not, they are your children. Our connection with our children is so strong that we don’t even expect parents to be objective when their children are involved. But those children eventually grow up.
Hundreds of people have found their way into my office because they want to plan for a future that does not include them. Within a couple of hours, they inventory their possessions, evaluate their relationships, and confront their mortality. Going through this process over and over forces me to think about these things every day. I also update my estate plan every now and then. Like many of my clients, I am in what Henry Brooks Adams called the Indian Summer of life – where it’s a little sunny and a little sad, like the season. Life is a little sunny because there are countless things for which to be thankful. Life is a little sad because I miss the way things used to be. I often reminisce about time long ago when there were no pandemics, my children were young, and I only remember the good things that happened in the world. As I think through the same issues I discuss with my clients, I visit the times I taught my kids to ride a bike, went to their t-ball games, and read them children’s books. Then I get in my private boat, say goodbye to the past, and sail in and out of weeks and through a day and into the night of my very own room where 2021 is waiting for me. Then I get back to the question – given current circumstances, how can my estate plan play a role in helping them through life? And it is never an easy answer.
We create many of the opportunities and problems in our own lives. But there is also a lot of randomness and chance. The opportunities in the spring and summer of life are limitless. But the possibility of divorce, debilitating injuries, tragic deaths, second marriages, mental illness, addiction, exploitation, and bad decisions can’t be ignored. Even less dramatic problems can complicate your estate plan. Sometimes your baby grows up and marries someone you don’t like very much. Through your grandchildren, you may be forever tied to your bossy daughter-in-law or your son-in-law whose politics are wrong. Sometimes your child doesn’t want to be a part of your family, and you don’t know why. Relationships just don’t always go as expected. Figuring out the best way to help your children is hard.
But the wheels of time keep turning, whether or not we are prepared. Fall turns to winter every year. Your family will continue forever, and it will eventually give way to new families. In the grand scheme of your life, your estate plan just helps carry out what you began years ago. You have already helped mold your family’s personalities, their beliefs, and their values. You may also leave them possessions. It is worth thinking through the best way to do that. Your family doesn’t look like your neighbor’s. Perhaps your estate plan shouldn’t either.